Beyond the Dissertation
Writing is a way of living, and my doctoral dissertation has taught me more than I reckoned I needed to know
Being or believing I am writer is an integral part of understanding who I am. I have taken a long winded way of arriving at this position, but I came to this conclusion as I approached the completion of my doctorate towards the end of 2023. What I mean here is that writing is an important part of me, but please avoid confusing it with being a good writer. At this point, I am more comfortable with being one who writes, a writer, who does so with a greater understanding of my purpose in doing so. That is, as long as I am writing I can be a writer.
I went through a long period of not fully understanding the role of writing in my life. Having spent many years writing poetry, stories, essays and blogs, and even moonlighting as an unpaid journalist for a while, the reality of the challenge of writing was made abruptly clear when writing through my doctorate. Being told that my writing lacked authority and direction, that it was too casual and complacent, among other snippets of feedback, were inhibitory to the extent that they crippled my sense of self. In this feedback, I understood that my writing went against all that others had told me for years. I was left believing that I was a poor writer, and that I should not have chosen this course or direction. This time, which was around six or seven years ago is around the time I felt that I stopped writing for joy, and I began to understand that writing had a much greater function than words formed into narrative.
Words in the written form have a far greater objective, and part of comprehending this comes with fully recognising previous criticism for what it was. Feedback at that time was harsh and it hurt. Initially, I was ill-equipped to handle it. What was unclear and different was I was receiving this feedback as constructive criticism, and as a means of supporting me. Even though the criticism felt deep, the feedback and coaching I received went deeper – although it took a while to sink in. The exact details of what was said at the time are vague, but my course leaders, both distinguished professors in the School of Education, left a distinct impression on me. My writing was flawed, but I was not alone in my venture and I could rely on their support and trust. I was left with the understanding that I could achieve what I needed to do, but it would not be easy. If I wanted this, it was there for me if I reached above myself. This meant more than making a sacrifice. I was left more alone than the previous task I had been set, but I had a better sense of belief that I could achieve what was required. I never learned how much better my final submission was, and I knew was that it was good enough. Sometimes this matters more.
From here, I dropped away from my other writing and tried to focus on what I believed I needed to be good at. I tried to work hard and to focus, and ever so gradually I made my way through the Covid pandemic, moving country, changing jobs and homes, and debilitating diagnoses to that point where I had what was called a dissertation. From that dissertation emerged a series of revisions which looked to enhance and focus what I had written. In this period, which lasted much of 2023, I was left to relax and to think. Thinking allowed for a reappraisal of what I had become, and what I had achieved. As a doctoral researcher or student, I lacked self-belief in my researching skills. I even had little confidence as an academic writer. Yet, I was more assured that I had trained myself to be a better writer. This revelation was from over a year ago, yet I remain steadfast in my lack of self belief and absence of confidence, and accurately defining what is a better writer is beyond me. I feel that it is a state of mind, a illusion of confidence, a sense of self-belief. All that has come of it so far is that I have resolved to start writing online again, for better or worse
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My itch for writing has to be scratched. In the past few years, I spent a lot of time rewriting and revising, or else scribbling voraciously in notebooks. This scratching really did little relieve the itch. As a consummate nail biter, it is difficult to actually satisfactorily scratch with the stubs of fingers. A suitable implement or device is required to actually get deep beneath the skin and relieve the pruriceptors, the very tips of our nerves, which have become tangled and now need unknitting. My back-scratcher is this substack, and I am here to scratch my way beyond those final dissertation drafts.
You are welcome on this journey.
I really enjoyed reading this, both as a fellow writer (both creative writer, ie poetry, songs, stories, and the first chapter into a set of memoirs with an editor / friend, no be honest, invert that friend / editor as a favour is more truthful and as a recent academic writer having just completed my masters which required academic writing in essays, though I had a non-thesis stream, but lets not kid ourselves, all writing is an act of creation, and then there is debate about whether or how 'good' it was) and as a person who has struggled with receiving criticism with open arms, open eyes, or an open mind. It is getting easier as I get older, and I'm able to see that not everyone was attempting to attack me or my validity as a being existing. With most of my formal academic experience as an overt student (ie, enrolled in classes and paying to learn something) I usually just met that 'good enough' mark. As someone who was a huge reader starting about grade four, writing and understanding writing came a bit easier than it did for some. I never had to try too hard in my undergrad courses, a double major in Philosophy and English, and still most of the time came away with As and Bs and a smattering of Cs. I never 'failed' anything, though due to depression dropped some courses for a lighter course load, and one philosophy course in Logic or Symbolic Logic, because it was very very difficult and required a very regimented type of analysis and deep study, and I wasn't in a proper frame of mental health to rise to that challenge at the time. Also I'd enrolled in University with the main goal of being able to live off student loans, read some novels, and get to read some philosophy things I found interesting, and be able to quit working in minimum wage jobs l hated for a few years, but with no career plans or direction. I called it, and still do, jokingly, as the snooze alarm of life. I hoped that I might figure something out regarding 'work' by the end of it, but had absolutely no idea what I thought that career would be. I never opened the newspaper, flipped to the help wanted section and saw 'Philosopher Wanted' for instance. Around the end of that four and a half years I began to panic and get depressed because I realized it would soon be over and the government would expect me to pay back those loans, and the summer job of being a busker was starting to lose it's shine, my water bottle drum kit was less of a novelty in the small town of Moncton, and making between $80 to $140 a night was no longer the norm and $50 to $60 was more common. I also wasn't that thrilled with the idea of trying to busk through winter like the guitar busker who switched to buckets after I let him play my kit while I went to the bathroom and said he could keep what he made while I was gone. He realized I made a ton more than him thanks to the power of the almighty gimmick! Anyway, I'm off topic on a tangent of about five other preceeding tangents, one of my 'failings' as a writer, or verbal speaker of language for that matter. Very recently I've been diagnosed with Adult ADHD so that's likely part of where that comes from. It also is partly just part of who I am at essence. I do (sometimes, try to resist and temper it to differing degrees) but also don't want to eradicate it, as I've also accepted that it's also part of my 'voice', not just as a writer. but intrinsically to who I am as a person. It's dizzying to some and annoying to others, . . . but, to some, it's a recognition and glimpse of something they either share, or for some other reason find interesting, intriguing, or a challenge to unravel, or a related aspect of themselves, and they 'like' it. Sor far, since I've released the audio version hacked with music, I've actually gained two 'fans', people who really connected with it and outright admire it. I believe there are others who haven't expressed it as devoutly to me, and likely others to come if I keep putting it out there. It will definitely 'NOT' be for everyone, and I will and can definitely try to keep refining it, finding the opportune instances where I can eliminate some parts that don't make it 'better'. I'm even consideringusing a series of haiku (haikus?), for one fairly long instrumental jam that came out a real jem of a jam, sounding as if it had been carefully composed, through different themes and variations, even though it was pure improvisation, and we just happened to be really in tune with each other, really listening to each other, and really just in an optimal flow state, which sometimes happens, yes I am considering challenging myself to use the haiku form to force myself to learn to distill an essence in aphorism lengths. I think it will be fun, challenging, and also somehow a proper context, since I want to write one haiku for each Alan Watts lecture I listen to, since haiku is a poetry form originating in Asia, and Alan comes from a deep engagement and appreciation of Asian spiritual traditions, but like me, was raised inside a Western tradition. So, you are likely struggling to identify if there was one point I wanted to make above all (there were a few actually, I think lol). It's either something about it being useful to learn to engage with constructive criticism with less damage or defence, to and from the ego, and that doing this will help us grow and evolve as writers, and human brings for that matter, but also that finding our purpose and voice as writers (which likely will also change and evolve over time, either through addition, subtraction, or outright different directions) also derives partly with the realization that every critic or fan's appraisal is, at least partly, subjective. The fact that I pretty much hated the experience of trying to read Faulkner's 'Absolom, Absolom!' as an undergrad student, wasn't necessarily a reflection of his being a 'good' or 'bad' writer given his choice to literally allow sentences to go on for three full pages without a full stop / period (I actually counted pages for one of his sentences it was so long). He certainly was capable of not writing in that (nightmare, to me) style, as his short story 'Barn Burning' didn't do that at all, and was very easy, and enjoyable, to read. It also didn't switch narrators every paragraph, a fact I'd not even recognized, if my professor, who was a big Faulkner fan, hadn't pointed out in lectures. In fact I don't think I would have understood it at all, or finished it, had it not been part of a literature course and xome with lectures, telling me, after each chapter what I had just read was about. I've only had to books during my life that I gave up on and didn't finish by the way, regardless of whether I enjoyed them or not. One was Gravity's Rainbow, by Thomas Pynchon and the other was 'The Lazarus Effect' by Frank Herbert, most famous for writing 'Dune' and the rest of the books in that series. I think I can forgive the kid in grade 4 who couldn't really understand 'The Lazarus Effect', and should give it a try now as a middle aged man, because I absolutely loved The Dune books, which I read, I think, just before watching the movie, or naybe it was just after, and figure it was likely political or historical allusions that were incomprehensible to me, since Dune has many of those. Anyway, again one of the points, I think I hoped to make, is that, yes, there's always room to evolve, grow, and improve as writers, but also that we, ultimately are the one's that decide which criticisms were want to heed, based on our goals, our voice, and our vision. Every artist that is considered a great artist, in any genre or type of media, has critics who almost worship them, critics who think they are terrible hacks unworthy of the praise they get, and those who fall somewhere in the middle. I don't think any great artists likely became great (which I've been trying to argue, is quite subjective, and sometimes has more to do with whether they 'understand' the art, or 'get' the art, or find it 'pleasant' or somehow 'engaging' or not) without both being willing to seriously engage with criticism of their art and learn something about their art or creative process in the process and being able to also know when to choose to discount the suggestions of critics and follow their true voice, their true convictions, and their true muse. If we listen to all the critics all the time out of insecurity, and are unable to find our own authenticity and have some self-confidence, we will likely stunt our growth as writers (or humans). My philosophy in life as well as art, tends to be, to seek out balance and be somewhat comfortable with contradictions, to balance humility with self-confidence, and above all, to just keep going, and to just keep evolving. Thanks for sharing Connor! I enjoyed your thoughts. I'm curious where is 'home' now? Are you and your family living back in Ireland, or somewhere else. I'm starting to look for jobs in Asia once again, though now as a school counselor, the one academic pursuit that I had so much passion, interest, and drive for, that I was able to go so much beyond setting for 'good enough' which I agree is sometimes, ironically 'good enough' in some contexts, to be a very high achiever, that really went above and beyond in my essays and research, rather that writing every essay the day or night before and only editing a draft, if at all, on the fly. In undergrad I had not once made an outline, and not once had done a second, let alone series of drafts, or even really spent time bothering to define my thesis statement. I guess I must have had some natural ability to have something like a thesis statement back then, but I was never really conscious of it. My education degree was sort of halfway between the two extremes.